i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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