im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
