Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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