Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
