Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
