Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
