tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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