my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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