Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
