Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
