Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
