I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
