i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
