Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
