I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
