First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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