my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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