My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
