Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
