Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b