I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure