Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.