stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
