if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
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He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????