she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It was confusing and full of hummus
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
