He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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