Will you blow on my dice?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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