We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
my liver is dry heaving
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
