Ambien. No doubt about it.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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