So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
