remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
