that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
