I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
