I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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