Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
