i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Jerry, you need to find god
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
