I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
