I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
