I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
