she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
