I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
