sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
