the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
3pm strippers are depressing
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
