You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
