i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
