CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
