My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
