I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
