Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
