The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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