It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
