took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
How's work?
Spinning.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
