in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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