What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize