what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
