It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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