i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
