better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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