dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
